carter's Guestbook

"I've been called worse," Lynda said with a loving and warm smile. She knew this wasn't going to be easy for her grandson, but she also knew that he was going to do this alone. She was there for him and if being weird helped him get through, then that's exactly what she would do. As they were walking in and he said what he did about the math problem, she couldn't help but reply to what he just told her. "They would if they were having a party or a family reunion or something like that," she told him with a chuckle as they stood in front of her truck, looking up at the emergency room entrance. Lynda looked over and saw how Carter looked and reached over and took his free hand into hers. She couldn't help but smile as she listened to his cracking voice telling her that he wasn't going to cry so that Adam wouldn't worry about him. "Yes, I will stand in front of you until you are ready to see him," she said and then smiled as she listened to what he said about Jennifer being mad if Adam wasn't okay. "I'm going to do my best to get your father through this, whatever the outcome is," she told him and then got serious. "And your mom will too when she gets home," she told him as softly touched his face with her other hand with a smile on her. There was a calm silence that fell over them as a warm breeze began to blow through them. It was Lynda that finally broke the silence. "Now, my big brave grandson," she said with a smile on her face.

"Take a couple of deep breaths and then we will walk in there together," she told him and once again the warm silence fell over them as Carter nodded. Then he did as Lynda instructed and after taking a couple of deep breaths and letting them out, they turned and began to walk to the emergency room entrance. Once they got inside, they both looked around for a few minutes, watching the hustle and bustle of the er staff working on other emergencies. Finally, Lynda got the attention of a nurse who then to her to trauma room 1, where Adam was laying and barely surviving. The door and the curtains were closed to keep people from seeing what was going on. Both Lynda and Carter stood before the door, both scared of what they were going to see as they were listening to the voices inside, which none were Adam's. Lynda looked down at Carter, who was fighting very hard to keep the tears from falling. She was still holding his hand, and she couldn't help but give it a gentle squeeze. "Are you ready or do you want me to go in first?" she finally asked Carter, knowing they both had no idea just how bad Adam was. "The choice is up to you," she told him as she waited for him to make up his mind.

Lynda just sat there in her truck with her grandson listening to everything that was on his mind. When he had taken some time to pause and gather his thoughts, Lynda began to speak, this time starting off with a different topic before going straight into the topic of Adam. "Hm," she said in a tone that only grandmothers had. "Looks like I'm gonna have to operate on that shirt the net time it comes out of the laundry," she said trying to ease Carter's tension. When she didn't get a reaction, Lynda cleared her throat and then started to use her serious grandmother tone as she began to speak, this time about Adam. "I know you don't like seeing him like that," she said. "Nobody does and I'm pretty sure that he doesn't like being in all that pain either," she told him to start out with. "But you have to remember, he's getting the best care from one of the top doctors, which I am referring to as me, and I have a specialist that I'm bringing in as well," she added and then went on in that same tone as she addressed how Adam was going to do when he saw Carter. "Yes, he probably will act all macho and tell you it's nothing when we both really know it's something," she told him and then went on. "Which is okay, up to a certain point. He doesn't want you to have to carry a load that he is carrying for his brother," she added. "But what he doesn't know is your mother is on her way home and she'll knock the machoness out of him," she said with a chuckle. "Wives usually have that affect on husbands," she added still chuckling as she got serious once more as she went on speaking. "Sweetie, if you can handle seeing your father in the condition he's in without crying, then you are a lot stronger than I give you credit for being," she told him. "And also a lot braver too," she finished up as she moved onto the next subject.

"Bingo!" Lynda said with a soft and warm smile on her face as she went on. "Hey none taken," she said chuckling. "I know it sucks at times being the oldest, but there are also plenty of perks too," she added with a wink as she let out another chuckle. "Maybe, or just maybe your overthinking everything and making it harder than what it really is," she told him as she began to open her truck door. "And for the record, six goes into twenty-seven four and a half times," she added. "Which means, each of those six people would get four and a half melons and apples," she said as the smile on her face grew to a big old grandmother grin as she got out and then turned back to look at Carter, who was still sitting in the truck. "I will stay with you for as long as you need me. And believe me, you aren't the first person to feel everything you have been feeling. As a doctor, I have delt with many families who are doing what you are doing now. Some handle everything okay, and some don't, which is okay too, because there is someone here that they can get help from. And, just as soon as I can find the time, I plan on starting some different support groups and counseling programs to help families as well," she said and then she got the silly grin on her face. "And also, as a doctor, I can tell you that nobody in human history has died from visiting a loved one in the hospital," she added. "But if you do happen to die, not only are you at the right place, but I'll be there to bring you back to life until you get transferred over to PEDS, then Inger will take over," she added playfully. "I would love to meet her and I promise no embarrassing things with the ponies, but I only promise if you hurry up and grab your stuff so that we can get inside," she said half serious and half playful.

"That's because your father thinks he needs to shoulder everything, so he swallows his emotions," she told him. "And I'll admit I do the same thing, but I'm also learning that caring the world on your shoulders without help isn't such a good idea," she told Carter as they were rolling into Virginia City and coming up on their first red light. As they were sitting at the red light waiting to go, Lynda continued her thought. "And I supposed part of the reason Adam is like he is because of how he was brought up. You're grandma Elizbeth is a police detective and the unit she works for, well, she must swallow her emotions so that she doesn't get emotionally involved with the people she helps," Lynda said as the light finally turned green and they began to go again. "So, he probably learned a lot of it from her. But honey, that doesn't mean that you have to swallow yours. You're young and it's okay to let your sadness come out or get angry and yell, or even cry," she told him. "Because you have family who will ride those emotions out with you," she said smiling as she came to the second red light. She then moved onto the subject of Adam crying over Hoss.

"Well, Hoss is his baby brother and as an older child, he takes on more responsibility of making sure his younger siblings is safe, loved and cared for. And in Adam's mind, he feels like he failed Hoss because of Hoss's bad heart," she told Carter. "I am the same way with my siblings and someday, when you have a little brother or sister," she told Carter. "It's just one of the many jobs of being an older sibling has," she added. "So, if you think your dad has a lot on his shoulders, you don't even want to know about your uncle Andrew and what he's got going on," she said chuckling as the light once again turned green and they began to go once more, knowing that there was one more light before they got to the hospital. As Lynda listened to Carter rant about math and numbers and how nobody does what the word problems say they did, she couldn't help but chuckle a little bit. Once Carter was done, she began to speak once more on the subject of math. "Honey, fractions are easy, but you pretty much have to know your multiplication table before trying to do fractions," she added as she moved onto word problems. "Now those are tricky but not impossible," she told him.

"But you do have to take those one step at a time. But maybe your friend Lucy can help you with those," she said as they pulled up to the last red light. Lynda looked over at Carter and smiled at him. "No, I guess not, but it will happen to you eventually," she told him as she got serious again. "Well, I'm glad she doesn't make you feel dumb and that she can explain things in a way that you can understand," she said as she turned back to the road just as the light was turning green. "Honey, I would like any girl that you thought was interesting, but being a doctor does have its advantages," she said with a wink as they finally pulled into the emergency room parking lot and went to Lynda's special parking space. "You should really invite her over sometime. I'm sure we could get a couple of ponies for the two of you to ride and your grandfather and I could chaperone a ride," she added as she smiled and the parked the truck and shutting down the engine. Then as they sat there for a few minutes as Carter started to feel nervous about seeing his father. Lynda turned and looked at her grandson. "Take a couple of deep breaths and just relax. The only thing your father cares about is just seeing you, no matter how you are feeling at the moment. "And if things get too rough for you to handle, I can have a nurse take you to my office where you can watch tv while doing your homework, okay?" she asked him with a smile.

Lynda listened to everything that Carter had to say about being brave and that he didn't cry a lot. She still didn't say anything when he explained how he didn't want Adam to think differently of him because he was scared. It was only then that Carter stopped to take a breath and turned his face to clean it, Lynda began to speak to him and give him some advice from dear grandma. "Sweetie it's okay to be scared," she told him. "Everybody gets scared, even your father," she added as she took a quick glance over at him and then back to the road. "Yes, I know he's put on this strong, brave cowboy face, but deep down he's just as scared as you," she told him. "And he's not going to think any less or love you any less if you are scared now or not," she added and then went silent for a few minutes as they were coming up to the inner-city limits of Virginia City. "I'm going to tell you something that you have to promise that you won't tell anyone, including your father. If he knew that I told you this story, he might get mad at me," she added. "So, promise me you won't say a word," she told him. And after he had promised that he wouldn't tell anyone, Lynda went on and told Carter the story of what she had witnessed. 

"I had just gotten home from a long shift at the hospital," she told Carter. "And your father was in the barn taking care of the horses, which is usually your Uncle Hoss's job, but at the time, you're Uncle was resting in his room, or so everybody thought," she said. "Anyway, I heard your father cussing and throwing things in the barn. So, I went in there and asked him what was wrong, and at first, he didn't say anything, except for apologizing," she told him. "Your father tried to convince me that he was okay and that he was just doing his morning chores, which yes that might have been what he started out to do, but that wasn't what was going on," she told Carter. She cleared her throat and went on. "I stood there watching Adam struggle, well, not struggle, but just trying not very hard to pick up this saddle before he completely lost it and fell down to his knees crying," she told him. "He told me that Hoss seemed to be getting worse and that he was scared that he was losing one of his little brothers and there was nothing he could do about it," she said. "I went over to him and let him cry for a while before I told him as long as I was breathing, I would do everything in my power to save Hoss's life," she added. "So, see, even your father gets scared and cries sometimes," she added. "It's only human nature," she added.

Once she had finished her story, they sat in silence for a little while as she continued driving down the highway. Finally, after a while of silence, Lynda finally spoke as she moved onto the subject of math. This time she had a more playful tone to her voice. "Numbers don't hate you," she told him. "And math really isn't all that difficult to understand, though it can be tricky," she told him. "The trick is to find something you can associate with it," she told him. "Once you do that, then Math won't be as hard or scary," she said with a smile on her face as she came to a red light. She smiled when she saw Carter blushing a little bit. Oh, to be young and have that puppy love feeling once again. Then she came back to reality and as they sat there, she looked over at Carter with a smile on her face. Once the light turned green, Lynda headed towards this hospital as she once again began to ask about Carter's friend. "So, what's her name?" she asked him. "Do you two talk a lot?" she asked wanting details and hoping this was taking Carter's mind from what he would soon see, which would be his father laying on a stretcher struggling to breath.

"I promise I will tell you everything, the good, the bad and even the ugly," she told him in her most softest and warmest voice. She could see that Carter was really upset but trying to be like Adam and hide it and it just melted her heart. She softly touched his face, wiping away any fallen tears that might have escaped. "Don't worry Carter, you'll never be scared alone," she told him. "But you should also know that your father is strong and he will make it through this," she told Carter as she ran her fingers through his hair, trying to make it a bit neater than it was. Then she smiled and just before she turned to start the truck and leave the Ponderosa Ranch, she told Carter one last thing. "It's okay to cry sometimes, especially in times like these," she added. "Now, let's go see how we can help your father," she said with a smile.

Lynda then turned and started the truck and pulled out of the driveway. Soon, Lynda and Carter, who was very upset and worried about his father, were on their way to the hospital. As they were driving, she knew she had to get Carter's mind off what was going on with his father, so she decided to talk about school some more. "So, do you have a lot of homework or just math that you wish you didn't have to do?" she said with a light chuckle. Then she went to a subject that she knew would make him a little embarrassed to talk about. As she finally reached the end of the long driveway and turned onto the highway, she went on to ask Carter the embarrassing question. "So, tell me, sweetheart, do you have a girlfriend that we don't know about or got your eye on someone special?" she asked him. "Maybe grandma can give you some advice on love and relationships," she told him. "After all, grandma does have four husbands," she said with a smile as she continued driving, speeding a little more, though not too much since she had Carter with her.