hoss's Guestbook

Laura stood close beside him as she continued to hold his hand while using her other hand to gently run her thumb over his cheek lovingly. She could see how pale he looked but she couldn't help but smile at the fact that he was breathing a lot better. Laura leaned over and softly kissed the side of his head. Then she laid her forehead gently on his temple and began to speak to him in a soft tone that could also be considered a whisper. "Here I am," she whispered playfully, though fighting the tears. Instead of letting the tears fall, she forced a smile, so he wouldn't be so worried about her. "I could never leave my little Eric," she whispered softly as she lifted her hand and softly kissed his temple. Then he turned to look up into her eyes, which she looked back into his eyes as she listened to him speak softly to her. Once he was done speaking, she went on to answer him. "I just step out for a minute to get a drink of water," she told him. "I didn't go far," she added as she gently pushed back his hair to keep it out of his face. "Besides, I needed to be out of the way so that they could bring you back to your room," she added as she smiled as she heard him say that he heard everything she said about his family and her loving him. Laura tried to fight back her own tears as she saw his eyes starting to fill up. The smile never left her face as she once again began to speak to him. "I knew you would hear me," she said softly as she softly kissed the side of his head and then laid hers against his gently as they let the silence fall over them for a while. She could feel Hoss's fingers weakly wrapped around hers and she continued to smile.

After several minutes of just silence as they held each other in their own way, Laura sat up and looked at Hoss in the eyes. Laura was a little more composed now, even though Hoss still kind of looked as though he wanted to cry. Laura smiled as she finally began to talk to him again. "Anyway, I'm just glad that you are awake now," she said with a smile. "And even though you still are looking quite pale, which is probably a combination medication and the fact that you weren't getting enough oxygen," she told him. "But I'm not a doctor, so I wouldn't know," she said with a giggle and then moved on. "But at least you're breathing much better," she told him and then went on. "And to me, that's a good sign because I can worry less," she told him as she leaned down and now kissed his forehead. "And it also makes me happy that you got some much-needed rest, which allowed your heart to rest," she said with a huge smile on her face. Laura began to brush his hair with her fingers, trying to make him look better than he did when he came in. "So, my love," Laura said with a smile on her face. "Would you like for me to sit you up a little and get you a small drink of water before the meds take you back to dream land?" she asked trying to be playful and keep the mood gentle and lite.

Lynda could tell that Hoss was having trouble breathing and as he was talking, she went over to him with her stethoscope on and began to listen to his heart, which from the look on her face was getting worse. She knew in the back of her mind that what she was hearing was more fluid building around his heart. Lynda took off her stethoscope and wrapped it around her neck as she moved back over to Ben, still with a look that told him that something was up, despite the fact that she was smiling over hearing that Laura was going to have Hoss's baby, which she could see the twinkle in Ben's eyes as well over the abrupt announcement. Ben, Lynda and Laura heard everything that Hoss had to say, and after bringing some tears to Laura's eyes, Lynda knew that it was time for her to take over. But the first thing she did was get up from sitting next to Ben and went over to turn up Hoss's oxygen as she began to speak. "Shh, it's okay son," she told him as she was adjusting to his oxygen. "Just relax and breathe slowly. I turned up your oxygen, so you should feel better very soon," she said. "Right now, I need you to just breathe slowly and deeply and stay quiet for a few minutes," she told him as she used her mother mode for the moment as she finally switched over to her doctor mode. "Hoss, honey, you have fluid building around your heart, which means your heart is having to work twice hard to pump," she told him, Ben and Laura. "That is why you are feeling like this now," she added as she finally got his oxygen level steadied. She then moved to the end of his bed. "I'm not going to yell at you, but what I am going to do is set you up for surgery in the morning," she said as she folded her arms with her tablet in her hands. Lynda quickly went on before anyone had time to speak.

"We will then put in a chest tube and drain out as much fluid as possible, though draining all of it would be the ultimate goal," she told everyone and then paused for a few minutes to let everything sink in. Then she went on speaking, even though Laura held onto Hoss's hand tightly, while the worry was coming though her face and Ben listening with a very hard look on his face as if he was studying everything she had to say. "Once we have most or all of the fluid off his heart, then we can put him on a device called an LVad, which will pump his heart for him, giving him some very much relief," she added. "But I must warn you, with as weak as Hoss's heart is, each time we open Hoss up, is a greater risk of his heart completely stopping," she told Hoss, Laura, and Ben. That was when Laura let go of Hoss's hand and got up from her chair and went over to the window. She crossed her arms and was looking out the window as if she was deep in thought. Lynda looked back at Ben and Hoss and then went on speaking. "Ben, Hoss, I honestly believe this is the way we need to go. If I thought there was some other way that wouldn't put Hoss's in even more danger than what he is already in, I would do that," Lynda told them, as she glanced over at Laura, hoping she would understand. Lynda paused as if she was gathering her thoughts. Finally, Lynda began to speak to them again. "And even though the LVad isn't a permanent solution, it will give us a little more time until I can find Hoss a new heart," she added. "And as long as Hoss keeps his promises about taking it easy and resting when he needs, the LVad will allow him to get up and enjoy normal things like sitting outside on the porch swing with Laura, instead of always being in bed," she added, hoping that Laura wouldn't be as scared and Lynda knew she was. Lynda looked over at Laura for a while waiting for her to say something, but Laura just wouldn't turn around, to which Lynda turned to Ben and Hoss. "Ben, Hoss, you both trust me, don't you?" she asked as them as they waited for them to answer.

Laura couldn't help but let the tears far as she looked down at her love as she felt his hand tighten around hers. She couldn't help but squeeze back as she listened to him struggling to breathe and talk at the same time. As he was taking time to breathe and gather his thoughts, Laura began to speak to him softly and yet with all the love she had in her voice. "The only person I will ever love is you, my sweet Eric," she told him. "And I'm the lucky one to have such a warm and gentle man to love me just as much as I love him," she said as she leaned in and softly kissed his cheek. When she heard him say the word daddy, she couldn't help but smile even bigger, regardless of the tears that are falling down her face. She couldn't help but softly kiss his cheek once more as she used her free hand to run through his hair as they were talking. "Just like you have always wanted," she reminded him. "You have always wanted to be a daddy, ever since I can remember," she told him. "You once told me that when you grew up you were going to work hard like your dad and run his own ranch, have lots of babies and me as your beautiful wife," she told him. "And you have all of that now," she told him as the nurses finished up putting an IV in his other hand, which they started some meds to help with make breathing easier for him. Laura smiled as she listened to everything that Hoss was going to teach their little one(s). She could see that the medication was already working as Hoss's breathing was becoming slow and steady as he was telling Laura just what his plans were as a father. Laura could see that he was getting tired as he continued to speak for a few minutes more and then he stopped so that he could catch his breath, despite how easy he was breathing.

"Of course you are," she whispered to him. "You are going to be the best daddy on the Ponderosa," she added as the tears were still falling down her face. "And I don't know about being the best, but I know I'm going to try my hardest, to make sure my little family is happy and healthy," she told him. She could feel him squeeze her hand one last time as he closed his eyes. And as he fell fast asleep, she began to answer his last question. "Of course, he or she will be," she told him softly, knowing that he could still hear despite him being asleep. "You are going to feel so much love from our little one(s) that you'll never have to worry about feeling alone again," she added. "And of course, you will always have the love we share," she whispered as she watched him sleeping peacefully. Laura then leaned in and softly kissed his cheek as she continued to hold his hand. "I love you so much, my little Eric," she whispered into his head. She. laid her head down against his for a few minutes as she closed her eyes. No matter how hard she tried, Laura couldn't help but continue to cry until all her tears were out and she had no more left. After a while, they took Hoss to get his tests run while Laura went to the ladies room to compose herself and then get a few things she knew she had to get done before Hoss came back to any empty room, though she hoped that if he did make it back to his room before she did, that he would stay asleep until she got back. Before she left him to go get his tests, she once more kissed his hand and then his cheek and whispered something to him. "Your family loves you very much," she told him. "And you are our everything. Stay strong," she finished as she backed up and watched them roll him down to the CT scan.

Lynda gave him a stern and yet soft look. She knew he was trying to use humor to ease the tension that was in the room. She knew that was typical of Hoss and found herself smiling at it, but she was still very upset at him not only as a doctor but as his stepmom. She knew he knew better and yet he decided to blow off what she told him and now he was facing the dire consequences. Lynda sat her tablet down and listened to everything that Hoss had to say to her. Once he was completely done speaking to her, Lynda's expression went from one of a doctor to one of only a mother could have on her face. Finally, after a few minutes of silence, Lynda let out a sigh and walked over on the side that Ben was on and sat down on his bed. She couldn't help but feel bad for Hoss. She knew all he wanted was to be normal again but right now, that just wasn't in the cards for him at the moment. Lynda smiled and then took his hand as she finally began to speak. "Hoss, honey, I'm glad you told me the truth," she started off saying. "But if you would had kept all your appointments and did everything I told you too, the chances of you being here right now, would have been slim to none," she added, not with an accusing tone, but rather a matter-of-factly kind of tone. "But since you didn't, this just means that I have to work that much harder to find you a new heart," she added and then went quiet for a little while. Laura, however, got up from her chair and was now standing next to Hoss, still holding his hand and running her other hand through his hair as Lynd let go of Hoss's hand and got up and went over to her tablet and began to look at Hoss's results and even though Lynda's face didn't look like the results weren't too bad, they were actually worse than what she was expecting. Lynda let out a sigh and then back up at Hoss, Laura and Ben as she began to speak to all of them very seriously.

"First, let me start off by saying that the brain scan was clean, which means that there is no brain bleeds," she said and she heard everyone breathe a sigh of relief, which even Lynda herself let out. Laura gave Hoss's hand a little squeeze as she leaned down and softly kissed his head just as Lynda went on speaking. "However, the EKG results were not good, which means Hoss Cartwright, that your heart is getting weaker faster than what we were hoping for. I want to get an ultrasound of your heart, but I am almost certain that there is a bunch of fluid that has built around your heart, which explains why it's becoming hard to breathe and why you are so weak," she said softly. "But I won't know if that's what's causing your issues or not, which means, Hoss, that the fluid had been collecting for a long while, which also means that there is no one thing that can be the true cause of this," she told everyone as she went on speaking. "Which means, even if you had done the things I told you to do and went to all the appointments, you still would have had fluid built up," she said. "We just would have caught it sooner and probably could have avoided all of this," she said in her doctor's voice, though there was a bit of annoyance mixed in as silene fell over everybody once again. Lynda was letting what she had told them sink it, which by the look on everyone's face, it had, so she went on speaking, this time using her doctor's voice. "So, what we need to do now is monitor you and your heart for the few hours or so and I like the results of your EKGs, then I will schedule for surgery in the morning, in which I will then insert a draining tube, just below your left breast," she told everyone as she showed them where the draining tube would go. "Once we get the fluid or at least most of it, off you're heart, then we can proceed with the next phase of getting you at least back home for now," Lynda said. "Any questions?" she asked Ben, Laura and Hoss. And as she waited patiently to make sure they didn't have any questions, Lynda went on speaking on something Hoss had said earlier. "And for the record Hoss," she started. "I will never give up on you. I know you are going through a difficult time right now, but I promise you, that you will always have my love and support," she told Hoss, once again using her motherly voice.

Laura smiled as she turned and looked at Hoss. She gave his hand a little squeeze as she then began to speak to him. "Baby, I love the fact that you were trying to protect me and the rest of the family from worrying and being scared," Laura added. "But the only thing we all fear, and I say this even for those who aren't here," Laura said as she went on speaking. "Is losing you, so please try to relax and don't let yourself be scared," she told him as she brought his hand up to her mouth and softly kiss it. "Because you aren't having to face this alone. You have me, your mom, your dad, Lynda, and the rest of the family to help get you through this one day at a time," she said hoping that this was getting through to him so that maybe he would relax a little more so that his heart rate would be stable long enough for him to get the draining tube put in. "Will you try to do that for me, my love?" she asked him with a loving look on her face and then put his hand on her belly. "And for this little human growing inside of me?" she asked as Lynda looked wildly at Laura and Hoss. Then she turned to Ben with a did you know she was pregnant type of look on her face, though she didn't say anything to anyone as Laura was pleading her case to Hoss. Lynda could see a sparkle in Hoss's blue eyes as a smile came across his face. She then knew that Laura had gotten to the heart of him. Lynda picked up her tablet and walked over to Ben, she didn't say anything to him, but she walked over and placed a hand gently on Ben's shoulder. And as he looked up into her eyes, he could see something that had been missing for a while. Her eyes shown love for not only Hoss, but for him as well, despite the problems they were having, the love she had for him was still there and still as strong as ever was.

Laura was just inside the emergency room when they finally brought Hoss in. She could see that he was fighting hard to stay awake just for her. She couldn't help but let out a few tears as she reached out and took his hand into hers as the nurses got him into a trauma room, one nurse began to put oxygen on him as another started to put in and IV drip for him. Laura leaned over and softly spoke to him as she watched his eyes fighting to stay awake. "I'm right here now, my love," she told him as she stood by his side as she gave his hand a little squeeze. "And I love you more than life itself," she added as she still stood by his side, looking down at him. Then Laura began to sing the song that his mother taught him all those years ago. "Soft kitty, warm kitty, little balls of fur," she said softly as began to hook him up to a heart monitor. "Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr," she sang as she watched him starting to settle down a bit. She could feel his hand gently squeezing hers as he slowly turned his head so that he was looking into her eyes. "We can sing that song to our own little one when he or she is not feeling very well," she told him as she watched a weak smile come over his face. Laura took the back of her hand and gently ran it over his hot cheek. She could feel the fever rising inside of him because his heart was so weak. Once they were done hooking Hoss up to everything, they began to move him from the trauma room up to his private room as they were waiting for instructions from Dr. Cartwright. Laura stayed right beside Hoss's side as they slowly pushed up to the elevator. Laura kept a smile on her face as she kept talking to him.

"So, what do you think about becoming a daddy?" she asked them as they got onto the elevator to take him up to the floor where his room was. Laura watched Hoss struggling to get his breath built up enough for him to respond to her, which broke her heart. That caused more tears to fall without her realizing it. "Take your time, my love," she told him. "And slow your breathing because we don't want you to hyperventilate," she softly with a smile on his face. Finally, after the elevator got to the floor they wanted, the door opened and soon they were pushing Hoss out, with Laura still holding onto his hand while walking next to him. Finally, they got to Hoss's room and for a few minutes Laura had to let Hoss's hand go so that they could move him from the stretcher to the bed, which took them a few minutes and once they were done and had him hooked back up to everything, the nurses and interns left and Laura went to sit on the edge of his bed, once again holding his hand in hers. "So, um, is there anything I can get for you, my love?" she asked him not realizing that tears had been falling this entire time. She wiped her face as she tried to laugh it off. "Sorry, my love. I don't mean to cry like I am," she added. "I don't know what's going on with me today," she said just as a nurse came in to give Hoss some medication through his IV to help him sleep so that they could run the tests that Lynda had requested them to do.