peggy's Guestbook

Andrew sat there for a long time just listening to his five-year-old daughter pour her heart out. He didn't know how Peggy got so smart at her age, but he was really proud of her. Finally, when she was done speaking, they both just sat there in silence as each of them was trying to figure out what the other was thinking or going to say next. Finally, after letting out a sigh of both pride and tiredness, Andrew did the one thing that he hadn't done in quite a while, which was he picked up Peggy and then finally sat her on his lap, just like she used to sit when she was very little. Andrew still didn't say anything for a few more minutes. It was as if he was collecting his thoughts and trying to arrange them in the order in which he wanted to speak them. Finally, Andrew came to the decision to just speak from the heart and hope that his words didn't sound too mushy or stupid. "Peggy, honey, first off," he started as a warm smile came over his face. "I don't plan on leaving you anytime soon," he told her in a reassuring tone and the warm smile on his face. "So you don't have to worry about that," he told her openly and honestly, which he knew that would settle any fears that she might have about him leaving her or her big brothers. Then Andrew took a brief pause so that he could clear his thoughts and continue replying to everything he heard his daughter talk about. "Now, as for the rest of what you just told me," Andrew said as a warms mile came over his face as he looked down in the eyes of his little girl. "Honey, right now your still pretty little, and even though it may seem like everyone else has things figured out, they really don't," he told her honestly. "Life is still much a mystery to adults as it is to you," he told her still wearing that warm smile.

"But don't worry, the more you grow and learn about not only things they teach in school, but also about life and even yourself," he told her, hoping that this was helping her with her confusion about life and growing up. "Sweetie, you are what they call a gifted child, which means you are smarter than most of the children in Virginia City, which is why you go to a private and gifted school," he said. "But don't think for a minute that you are invisible, because that is the last thing you are," he said still smiling that warm smile as he went on speaking to her. "And if those people who look at you in the way that makes you feel invisible or make you feel like you have something to prove," he started to tell her. "Aren't really the kind of people you want in your life," he told her. "And I'm sincerely sorry if I ever made you feel that way in anything I have tried to teach or do for you," he told her and then took a break for a few minutes as he prepared himself for the subject of Michaela. He knew the kids were hurting badly, which is why he never let on just about how badly he was really hurting. Andrew cleared his throat and then began to speak again, only this time it was it was soft and warm, but it had something else in his tone too. It had it's own sadness as he began to speak. "She did but yet she didn't," he told Peggy honestly. "You see, after she lost your little sister, she couldn't bring herself to do much of anything but stay in bed," he told Peggy honestly. "And I wasn't much help or comfort for her, because I had the ranch, you and your brothers to take care of and my law practice," he told her. "So, she felt that the only way she was going to get better was to leave," he told her honestly.

"But I can tell you this," Andrew said as he looked down into his daughter's beautiful eyes. "Her decision to leave wasn't an easy one," he said. "Because she knew she would be hurting and breaking the hearts of the ones she loved so much," he told her. "But in the end, she knew she had to do what was best from her, and it just happen that leaving was the right thing," he added as he went on speaking. "And of course it's okay to be mad at her for leaving, but at least try to look at things from her point of view before you let that anger go to far," he told her as he geared up to talk about change. He couldn't help but let out a heavy sigh. He didn't know how he was going to explain this subject to her, but he was sure going to do his best to try. "Pegs, honey, nobody likes not knowing what the outcome will be when things change," he told her. "And we all know that change isn't the easiest thing to go through," he added and then went on. "But change can be a good thing. It's what keeps life interesting and fun. Besides, if you knew what the outcome was before the change even took place, you really wouldn't look forward to much out of life," he said smiling and then went on to finish up his thoughts. "Honey, I wouldn't talk to you any other way, except for the big girl that I know you are," he told her. "And I couldn't agree more, she did make the best biscuits this side of the Mississippi," Andrew said with a smile. "Now, how about we go get some ice cream?" he asked her.

Andrew held his breath, waiting for Peggy to say something. The quieter she was, the more nervous he became at least until she finally looked up at him and began speaking. Andrew listened closely and contently without interrupting her. Once she was completely done telling him everything that was on her mind, a silence once again fell between them. It was as if Andrew was processing everything she had said and was trying to form his thoughts into words that wouldn't make this moment awkward or make her feel uncomfortable. But finally, after about another 10 minutes or so of not saying anything, Andrew finally began to speak to Peggy, this time talking to her at her age level, instead of talking to her as if she was a little girl. Andrew let out a sigh as he began, knowing that he did understand where she was coming from. "I know you don't sweetie," he said as he paused for a few minutes before going on.

"And I also know that you still like being young and free and not having to deal with grownup things," he told her. "But worrying about being judged right now, shouldn't even been in your thoughts, but since it is," Andrew said as he went on speaking to her. "There is something you should know. People are always going to judge you before getting to know you," he told her. "That happens to everyone, no matter what age you are," he said as he felt her head against his arm. It made Andrew smile for a few minutes as he continued with his thoughts. "And I know it's not right, but that's the way it is. It's just something that you are going to have to learn to deal with as you get older," he added as he let out a sigh. "But there is also people out there that is going to love you for you just being you," he said, knowing this was a tough time for Peggy. She wasn't quite a little girl anymore, but she wasn't yet a teenager. "And I'm not just talking family either," he added as he moved to the next thing she had told him.

"I know it feels like you don't have control over your life, but you do," he said softly. "It's just that you aren't ready to make any really big decisions yet, like dying your hair," he told her as he went on before she could interject. "But the things you do get to decide, like the clothes you wear, the foods you eat, are all very important decisions," he told her. "Those decisions also help shape who you are going to be in the future," he continued as he went on. "And you know what else you get to decide? And it's the most important decision you can probably make in your entire life," he said with a smile on his face. "The most important decision that you can make in your entire life is how you want to live your life," he told her. "You said that you don't like being loud or growing up too fast?" he asked her. "Well, you can choose to be quieter and slow down a bit," he told her. "I know that there are things, like dying your hair, that I prefer you waited on, that you think helps give you control over your life, when in all actually, it's just hair and dyed or not, it doesn't shape the person you are meant to be inside," he said as he then moved onto Michaela, hoping she understood everything he just told her.

Andrew stayed silent for a little while as he tried to think of a way to put why Michaela left in a way that she would understand. Andrew let out a sigh and then began to speak again. "I know it still hurts, because I can see it in your eyes," he said. "But when something happens to a woman, like what Michaela went through, it's hard to just bounce back. She needed time to process everything and learn to let go, which is part of the reason why she hasn't come back yet," he said. "Too many memories both good and bad that she has to sort through," he added with a warm smile on his face as he continued. "I know you still probably don't understand everything yet, but when you are all grown up and ready to have kids of your own, certain things will make more sense. But right now, all you need to do is worry about normal kids' stuff," he said as he turned and softly kissed the top of his daughter's head softly. Then he went on talking about the memories that Peggy had of Michaela. He couldn't help but chuckle as he started to speak again. "I remember a certain little girl who would always sneak extra biscuits when no one was looking," he told her with a chuckle. "So, they couldn't have been all that bad," he added still chuckling playfully.

Andrew and Peggy sat there for a little while, letting the silence fill the room. It was nice to just sit and talk like this with his daughter. Finally, Andrew went on speaking about another memory that Peggy shared as well as how she was mad at Michaela for a long time after she left. "I think the reason she tucked you guys in so tightly isn't so much she was afraid of you all disappearing but more like she wanted you guys to feel safe with her," he told Peggy. "Plus, just between you and me, I think she was trying just a bit too hard to get you guys to like her," he added with a chuckle as he got serious for a little bit as he talked to Peggy about how she felt. "It's okay to be mad," he told her. "I mean you were hurt by someone you really trusted and that doesn't feel good," he said as he thought about all the people he's trusted and then let him down. "Just don't keep holding onto that anger. If you do, then that will affect those choices I was telling you about," he said. "Trust me, all those times I went to visit her and talked to her on the phone, you and your brothers never leave her thoughts," he added.

Andrew smiled as he listened to Peggy's fears now. There were still things that made her a little girl, but what she told him wasn't one of them. He thought out his next words very carefully as they continued to look into each other's eyes. Finally, once Andrew was sure he knew what to say, he began to speak to his daughter in the same grown-up tone that she had used on him. "You're right, not knowing what's going to happen is pretty scary," he said. "But that's where faith comes in," he told her. "We have to keep believing, even though right now it's hard, that things will work out the way they are meant to be," he told her. "And I promise that when things go wrong, I won't pretend that they are alright. But you must promise that no matter what happens, you won't let it shake your faith," he told her. "I know it will be hard, but you have to keep telling yourself that things will work out the way it's supposed to," he told her as he kissed his daughter on the forehead. "No matter what, we are family, with or without Michaela," he whispered to her.

"Oh yea?" he asked playfully. "You do and I'll blow up that baby picture of you using the toilet for the first time and hang it in the living room so that whoever comes to the ranch house will see it," he said playfully as he tried to look serious, but the softness in his eyes gave his playful side away. "Ah, I'm just teasing sweetie. Anyway,  she'll eventually forgive me, besides, I know way worse stories than that," he said with a chuckle. "But I will keep them to myself. Anyway, she was very brave for going through all that with her head held high and I was very proud of her," he said. "I couldn't stop laughing and my ribs hurt later on from all the laughter, but I was still very proud of her," he added as he moved onto his brother Hoss. He knew his kids loved their Aunt Jennie and Uncles Joe and Adam and Will, but not as much as they loved their Uncle Hoss.

"That's your uncle for you," he said with a smile on his face. "And he doesn't think twice about helping man or animal," he said. "I have seen him do everything from protecting a little child, who like him, is different to holding a small baby bird in his rough hands, so gently that the baby bird felt safe," he told his daughter. "But you are right, the world needs more people like him. If there were, the world would be a totally different place, but sadly it's not the case and people like your uncle often get hurt because they are different," he added as he moved onto the night Peggy came home. "Of course he did," Andrew told her with a chuckle. "He wanted to make sure that you were going to be okay, even though it was my job to do that," he said still chuckling. "Besides, you should have seen him when I told everybody that your mama was carrying you. He went out and found the biggest bear, bigger than him, and brought it home. It was so big that it took up the whole nursery," he said with a chuckle as he went on to answer her question. "Honey, you're a Cartwright, and a Cartwright is always loud and stubborn, especially when they actually don't mean to be," he said laughing.

Andrew shrugged playfully. "Emerald huh?" Andrew asked as he went back to his playful tone. "Well, green is green and you'll still be Celery- Head, only with class," he added as he continued to laugh playfully until the tone of the room changed and everything went from being playful and fun to the most serious tone ever. Andrew knew this would be the most serious talk they ever had or would have. "Oh, kind of like you are doing with the whole dying your hair thing, right?" he asked her softly as he brushed her hair from her eyes. "Aren't you trying to grow up a little too fast?" he asked her. "Well, it's the same thing that you Michaela was trying to get you kids to do before you were ready," he said and then moved on. Andrew knew that Peggy was still too young to understand really what happened, but he would do his best to try to explain in her terms. "Well, sweetie, something happened to her that she had to leave," he told him. "And no, it has nothing to do with you or your brothers," he said calmingly and reassuringly moving a few strains of hair.

"No, I'm not bringing up Michaela because something might happen again," he said. "I brought her up because I wanted to know how you felt about her and to talk to you about bringing her back and having her be a part of our family," he said. "I do value yours and Jake and Josh's opinion," he added with a smile. "And if you don't want her to come back, then I will break things off with her," he added hoping like hell that wasn't what his daughter wanted as he brushed a thumb across her cheek in a fatherly way. "Besides, she has told me that there hasn't been a day that has gone by that she doesn't think you kids," he told her. "And I know for a fact that you kids each have a mountain of birthday gifts and Christmas gifts from her," he said with a smile. "So be totally honest with me sweetie," he told her. "How do you feel about her coming back into our lives and us being a real family?" he asked her as he looked deep into her eyes, looking for any sign.

Andrew smiled as he pulled his daughter close to him. Then he began to talk about the most embarrassing thing Jennie went through with the cattle. "Well, there we all were rounding up the cattle and watching Jennie get a couple of the calves that had wondered off," Andrew said. "She was doing alright until she got off her horse and started chasing them around and not only fell in mud," he said.

 

"But she also fell into several different cow poop, By the time she actually got the calves back with the heard, she was muddy and smelly and covered in mud and poop," he said chuckling."That was when she swore off of cattle driving for good," he told Peggy. "Which is also the day she gave the Ponderosa back to grandpa," he added as he finally moved onto the subject of his brother Hoss.

"He found a great gal, of course, he found her when he was only 5 but still, he found her," Andy said with a chuckle and then his tone went soft and warm. "That's true, and the more your uncle tries the more the world uses him and puts him down. But he will always have a family, like you and me and even Laura, to love him just as he is," he told Peggy and then his tone got even softer. "You know the night I brought you home from the hospital, your uncle stayed up with me to make sure you were okay," he told Peggy.

"And that's when he told me that one day, him and Laura was going to have a beautiful little girl like you," he said. "I looked at him and asked him how he knew that. And he said because pretty girls like you and Jennie just run in the family," Andrew told Peggy. "And I believe him because he had a twinkle in his eyes and whenever he gets that twinkle, that usually meant he was telling the truth," he added.

"Well, then I guess you won't be dying your hair purple," he said laughing as he kissed the side of Peggy's head. "Besides, you know I wouldn't do that to my princess," he said. "I'll just wait until you dye your head green and then call you celery head," he added playfully and loving this time with his daughter. Then he got serious as he knew he needed to speak to Peggy in a serious manner for a little bit.

"Peggy, honey, do you remember when Michaela was around and wanted to be apart of our family?" he asked her. "And then she suddenly had to go away without saying why or goodbye or anything like that?" he asked his daughter.

Andrew expressions grew even softer and gentlier as he began to speak to his daughter again. This time he added some of the funnier times in there. "Of course she did," he said. "She just doesn't like to talk about it because of....well....the most embarrassing cattle drive incident in history," he told Peggy. "She doesn't like talkiing about it, but if you promise you won't tell her I told you," Andrew said. "I'll let you in on what happened and why Jennie doesn't go anywhere near the cattle again," he said laughing. 

Then he moved onto Hoss and once more he smiled again. "Yes, he appears like he has no worries because he's big and has the strength of a football team," he said. "But imagain going through life being looked at funny by all the girls, to be used by them only to end up having your heart shatterd?" he asked her. "Luckily there was one girl that saw past all of Hoss's imperefections," Andrew said. "She's the reason why things to bother him as much anymore as they used too," he added. 

"But you arer right, sometimes people do need to change. And maybe I should think about doing some changing myself," he said as he smiled. "You're welcome and well....if you did go full purple, I would just have to introduce you as my daughter the eggplant," he said laughing as he then got seriouis again. "Good, you can tell your Auntie that you are staying with her," he said then went into deep thought for a little bit. "And Peggy?" he asked her.