clay's Guestbook

Lynda couldn't help but chuckle as she turned to see Clay standing there watching her. For a moment, she didn't say anything but the look her face said that she was in a bit of a shock about something. Finally, Lynda smiled and went on speaking, just not about what shocked her. "Well good afternoon sleepyhead," she said with a smile on her face. "Can I get you something cold to drink?" she asked him as she moved on his question. "And for the record, no quiet an army," she told him. "Think of it as a small heard of cowboys and cowgirls," she added as she stopped what she was doing, which was at the moment trying to decide what veggie to have with dinner. "This is what I do every night," she said with a smile on her face. "Besides, you being here is one more reason to celebrate family," she added as she let out a sigh, while leaning against the island in the middle of the kitchen. She was both tired and yet somehow still had that motherly look about her. "Yea, I'm okay. Just a little more tired than normal," she added. "Which is all the more reason to believe that I am pregnant," she said as looked down the counter for a few minutes and then looked. "I was just admiring for a few minutes about how you look so much like Maurice," she said still smiling though there was a softness to her. She knew she probably shouldn't have said that, considering she knew that Clay probably knew who she was speaking about. But she didn't care, she knew the truth was going to come out sooner or later, which she might as well make it sooner rather than later.

She turned away for a little bit as she went back to trying to decide what kind of veggie to have. There was a silence that came over them, which Lynda knew would come. She just didn't want to turn around and see the surprise look on his face. Plus she knew he would have a lot of questions, which didn't bother her much, she just needed to prepare herself and how she wanted to explain everything to him. Finally, after several minutes of them not talking, it was Lynda that broke the silence by starting with a question of her own. "What is your favorite veggie?" she asked him as another pause came over them. She knew she might as well rip the band-aid off and get this over with. Lynda turned around and looked at Clay. "I know that you know who Maurice is," she told him. "He's your maternal grandfather," she told him. Lynda looked down and then back up at Clay. "Which makes me your maternal grandmother," she added and then went on speaking to him. "Which means your mother, Marie, is my daughter. I didn't realize it at first, until like you, I saw Maurice in Joe," she told him. "That's when I realized the truth. And before you ask, Joe and Jennie don't know yet. I still haven't found the right way to tell them," she added and then finished with her thoughts. "And because Ben and I are married and she is already married to Ben, I am also your stepmom," she finished up and then had one more thought. "I don't want anything I just told you to change our relationship and just take all the time you need to process," she added with a smile as she went back to her original thought. "So, back to the veggies. What is your favorite? Pease? Corn? Green Beans?" she asked him.

After Lynda had gotten Clay all settled in, she went to hers and Ben's bedroom for a little bit to just rest and reset. She had told Clay a lot, but there was still lot that she hadn't told him. In fact, there was a lot that she hasn't told anybody, which deep down, she felt was her burden to carry, especially after everything her father had done to her as a child. Lynda couldn't bring herself to lay on their bed, so she just sat there on the edge for quiet a while before finally getting up and going over to the window. As she continued watching the ranch hands work, Lynda let out a soft sigh and began to speak to herself. "Steady Lynda," she told herself. "You are stronger than you are letting yourself believe," she added and then went quiet again for a long time as she let her little pep talk to herself sink in. She knew that whatever she was going through, she had family to help her get through it. But something in the back of her mind couldn't help cause her to wonder if their help wouldn't come at a price and that scared her more than anything. And the one thing she wouldn't have anymore innocent blood shed on account of her. Finally, after doing some deep breathe exercises, Lynda put on the best smile she could and headed back downstairs, though she did stop by Clay's room to make sure he didn't need anything, which after opening the door, she couldn't help but smile as she saw him sleeping on the bed. So, Lynda softly and gently closed the door and then walked away, going downstairs, did a little bit of cleaning before finally going into the kitchen to begin cooking. She knew Ben and the kids would be home soon and they will be wanting dinner, and with the rest of the kids coming home soon and even though there were boxes of Lynda's stuff
everywhere, she knew they could make their way around.

Anyway, after doing the few dishes that was in the sink, she began to pull out the things she would need to make a couple of cherry pies. She knew that one wasn't going to be enough, especially when it came to her son, Dean. She knew he tended to be a pie hog, but she loved him anyway. After she got all the ingredients for her famous pies, she began to bake and it wasn't long before the aroma of pies baking in the oven filled the air and made its way upstairs to Clay's nose. While the pies were in the oven baking, Lynda began to work on dinner, humming happily as she began working on what she was planning on for dinner. She started peeling potatoes until she had enough to make a huge pot of mashed potatoes. She quickly washed them and then put them into a pot, ran water over them until they were all covered and then put them on the stove to boil. While the potatoes slowly began to cook, she started to work on the boneless pork chops, making sure they were seasoned and things like that. Then she started to pan sear each chop and then letting them rest, she went and got her crockpot, and was soon putting the seared pork chops into the crock pot and covered them with cream of mushroom soup. Then she turned that on slow cook. Lynda smiled as she watched her great dinner cooking very slowly. After starting the pork chops, Lynda went over to the oven, which both cherry pies were completely done, and pulled them out. She sat them on the window sill to cool, which once again the aroma of pies cooling on the window made it's way up the ranch house and through the partly opened window of Clay's room until the aroma reached his nose, cause his stomach to rumble with hunger.

As Lynda took Clay back to one of the spare bedrooms, she began to speak to him. "Clay, I have to be honest with you, I have a lot more going on than what Ben or his children know about," she told him once they got to the spare bedroom. They walked in and Lynda went over to turn down the blankets for him. "I mean my boys, well not Jamie, knows some of what's going on, but not all of it and the same with John," she added. "But I haven't found a way to tell Ben what's going on without picturing him laughing at me because it's hard to believe, even I'm trying hard to believe it myself," she added once she had the covers turned down. Then she went and opened the window a little bit so that some fresh air could get into the room. "There, now you have a comfy bed and some clean air coming in, you should have a good rest," she said as she walked over and kissed Clay on the cheek softly, like a mother would do when she was putting her son to bed. And as she was exiting, she began to speak about her food with a huge smile on her face.

"And don't worry, my boys absolutely love my food and I know you will too," she told him. "Plus, I am thinking about making my famous cherry pie, though I know Dean will be the first in line. That boy has a nose for pie like a blood hound," she said laughing. "But anyway, you have a good nap and don't worry, I am not going anywhere, at least for tonight anyway," she told him. "I'm exhausted to even try to go anywhere," she added with a smile as she walked out of the room but stopped and turned around to look at Clay and as she reached for the doorknob, which she placed her hand on it. She began to speak to him once more. "And Clay, once again, that's for letting me get some things off my chest. And as tired as I am, I do feel better, even though there are still things I'm carrying that I'm not ready to share yet, but I do feel more like myself," she told him. "Now, like I said, have a good nap and by the time you get up, dinner will be ready," she told him and then pulled the door shut and went back to clean up their coffee cups and start dinner because she knew Ben would be home soon.

Lynda couldn't help but think that there was more that Clay wasn't saying, but she wasn't going to press him on it. She knew he would eventually tell her when he was ready, though she also knew that there was a chance that he might not ever tell her, which she was okay with either way. She began to speak to him as she softly patted his hand as she spoke to him. "You are more than welcome to stay as long as you need too, which translates to I'll take all the help I can get to hold this family together," she said with a chuckle. "And Clay," she said as she let go of his hand and picked up her own cup of coffee and taking a drink before finishing her thought. "I made that bad coffee that you are drinking," she told him honestly and yet with a serious but playful tone. "It maybe a little stronger than you are used to, but it isn't that bad," she said as she watched Clay's reaction as she took another drink. As a blush came over Clay's face, Lynda began to smile. "But it's okay, no offense taking. I just wanted to see you squirm a little bit," she added with a genuine laugh for the first time in a long while. It was then that Lynda's facial expression and tone turned soft as she began to speak to him.

"But seriously, I do appreciate you sitting here talking with me about everything that has been weighing heavily on me," she told him. "As for your mother, I don't want there to be hard feelings between us, but I feel like there is something that I'm doing, or she thinks I'm doing that makes her dislike me," she told Clay honestly. "And I honestly think that there is something physical that's causing her to feel the way she does. So, thank you for saying you will talk to her. All I want to do is help her so that Joe and Jennie and you, of course, don't lose her," she added as she then switched to Joe and Jennie. "But as for Joe and Jennie, I know how stubborn they can but, but I also do know how spoiled they are as well," she told Clay. "And you can't say they aren't, but I think if I sit down with each of them and tell them about some of my experiences with life, then maybe we can work things out because all three of us would be on the same page when it comes to understanding each other," she said. Then Lynda softly hit her lap with her hands as if to signal she was done with all that while moving onto something new. "But anyway, let's get you a room. You must be completely tired and want to rest up before dinner. Am I right?" she asked him with a smile.

Lynda couldn't help but chuckle as she heard Clay tell her that she never gave herself enough credit. She knew he was right, but she still had a hard time giving herself any credit for anything she did. And that was something that she knew had to do with her past. After refilling their cups and bringing them both a fresh hot cup of coffee, she began to speak to Clay. "I know you are right, but I just never learned to give myself credit for the things I do," she told him as she put the tray on the coffee table and then picked up her cup of coffee after putting a bit of cream and sugar in it. She went back and sat down in her chair. "But I guess giving myself some credit to myself when I earn it is something I'll have to learn to do," she told Clay and then took a couple of small sips of her coffee, enjoying the flavor of it before she started to speak again.

Lynda listened to the rest of what Clay had to say and as she did so, she began to think about what he was actually saying. She then realized that everything he was saying was right on target, even though it's been told to her in several different ways by several different people in her life, which she was okay with that. It never hurts to hear the same thing from different perspectives from different people. After taking another couple of sips from her coffee, Lynda then went on speaking to Clay with a smile on her face. She sat her coffee back on the coffee table as she reached out and took Clay's hand in hers. "I'm so glad you are here," she told him first. "And even thought you are right about everything you are telling me, and as much as it does help hearing it, I still feel like I let everyone down because I fell apart at the wrong time," she told him. And even though she wasn't crying, Clay could still hear the sadness in her voice.

"As for Joe and Jennie, well, I know they can be stubborn and yes, I was just trying to prepare them. The world can be a great place but often it's scarier than it is pleasant," she told Clay. "And I'm afraid that when the time comes and Jennie and Joe go out unto the world that they won't be prepared for all the hardships that are coming their way," she added. "And with they way they are so spoiled, I'm afraid that something bad will happen to them," she told Clay honestly. "I worry about them as much as I worry about my own children. And they are all grown up, well, Jamie isn't but it won't be too long before he's out on his own," she sighed as she let go of Clay's hand and reached for her coffee again. She had a big drink just then and once her mouth was clean, she went on to finish her thoughts. "I may not be actual broken, but it sure feels like it," she told Clay honestly.

"And overwhelmed is an understatement," she said with a chuckle to her voice. "I think I need a lifelong vacation from my life," she said with a joking tone in her voice. Lynda went silent for a little while as she let Clay take all that in. After a little while of them sitting in silence, Lynda began speaking again. "I mean, I am running out of time to find Hoss a new heart," she said softly. "And I know that everybody knows that I am trying my hardest to find him a new heart, but I also know that if I let Hoss die that nobody will be too forgiving," she added honestly but smiled when she heard that her promises was the reason that Clay came back, or at least part of the reason why he came back anyway. She placed her coffee cup once again and reached out and took Clay's hand and held it as she began to speak to him again. "I really appreciate you saying that," she said with a smile on her face. "And I also appreciate you saying you will help me too," she added. "You have no idea what that means to me and I promise you, with yours and the rest of the family's help, I will work my but off to keep all those promises," she said with a smile on her face.

But that smile soon fell into a frown when he brought up Jennie and Marie. She knew there was something more going on than them both being stubborn, though Jennie got that trait from Ben. She didn't say anything at first, but the longer she sat there the more she knew she had to speak to Clay about his mother and sister. "It's not Jennie I'm so much worried about when it comes to getting checked out," Lynda finally said. "I'm sure if I just actually sit down and talk to her, like the way I'm talking to you, then I can get her to get checked out," she told Clay. "It's your mother that I'm worried about. I don't think I can get her to agree to a checkup," she told Clay. "I'm not exactly her favorite person, and I don't think it has anything to do with what I did to Joe and Jennie," she told Clay honestly. "I believe she don't like me because she things I'm going to get majority of the Ponderosa after Ben passes, which simply isn't true," she told Clay. Then she let out a sigh as she finished up her thoughts.

Lynda laughs as she listens to Clay speak about her not having to be the glue that holds the family all the time and how the family wouldn't fall apart if she stepped back and took a little breather. Then she finally begins to speak to him once more. "You haven't been around this family in a very long time," she said with a chuckle. "One little thing goes wrong, and this family is ready to fall completely apart," she told him half joking and half not and then she let out a sigh of relief as she felt better after talking with Clay. Lynda then sat back after grabbing her cup of coffee, which was still half full. "But enough about me," she told him just as she was getting ready to take a sip and then paused as she looked over at Clay. "Oh honey, I know you're not. Nobody in this family is really put together," she told him. "But now that I have aired out my problems," she told Clay. "Care to share what's going on inside your head?" she asked him playfully and then began to drink her now luke-warm coffee.