dean's Guestbook

"Yeah," she said softly as she looked down at the ground for a moment. Lynda took a couple deep breaths and then went on to finish answering Dean's questions or at least the ones he has asked so far. "Yes, with Sammy," she told him and then went on. "Honey, I know that" she told Dean. "I was the one that helped arrange that because you were being a great big brother," she told him. She could see he was starting to feel guilty and angry for being out celebrating the fact that he was a big brother and learning how to do what his dad did while her and Sammy were in hell. That's when Lynda moved her hand from Dean's leg and reached over and took his hand into hers and went on speaking. "Don't be mad or feel guilty for going out and celebrating," Lynda told Dean. "Your dad and I wanted to do something special for you for being a great big brother and helping me out while I carried Sammy inside of me," she told Dean. "Nobody could have known what was gong to happen after you and your father left," she added. "I mean it could have just as easily happened while you were in bed and I was doing one of his late-night feedings," she added as she softly squeezed Dean's hand. Nobody said anything for a few minutes as everyone was trying to process everything in their own way. Lynda could see the anger rising in his eyes, which made her worry more about Dean than herself. But it was what Dean said that broke Lynda. "Dean, I understand that you are angry, but Lilith is also a victim in this mess," she told her son. "Your sister didn't ask to be born, let alone be the way she is," she told him.

"And it wasn't Lilith who had Sammy while we were in Hell. Lilith just happened because of Lucifer," she said. "So, it's okay to be mad at your sister, but please try not to hate her too much," she told Dean as she went silent again. She was still shaking, but not as badly as she was when Dean and John found her in the bathroom. She didn't say anything for a long time as she let out a sigh. Finally, Lynda went on speaking to them as Dean was now asking the harder and more difficult questions that she always seemed to struggle with every time she was asked. "Baby, I don't want you to hate that I had to carry this alone. Because it was my job to protect you children and I would do it again too, if it meant kept keeping you safe and happy," she told him. She looked over at John and could see in his face the same emotions going through him as they were Dean. That's when she took her free hand and took John's hand in it. "Now listen boys," she told them both as she went on. "There's a lot that you don't know about me, which I'm going to tell you and the rest of the family, but in little doses," she said. "Everything I have say is like a piece of a broken puzzle, each has its own place it goes in the picture," she told them. She then paused for a few minutes before going on. "You're right, I am telling you now, not just because you need to know but I because I've been carrying it for so long, plus a lot of other things, that it's time let it go and have help dealing with it," she told both of them honestly.

Lynda smiled as she looked from Dean to John and then back to Dean. "This baby has a lot of love waiting for him or her. And I will officially find out when I go to work at the hospital in the next couple of days," she told them both with a smile on her face. Then she got serious as she began to speak to them both. In fact, she was using the sternest mother tone that Lynda had, almost making her sound angry. "But I want to make this perfectly clear to the both of you, and I will tell Sammy too," she said. "Nobody does anything to Lilith until I get a chance to talk to her," she told the both of them. "She might be an evil demon, but she's still my daughter and I don't want anything to happen to her, at least not by one of you," she told them. "If anything needs to be done, I will do it myself," she added and then went silent for a few minutes as she looked back and forth at each of them. "Do I make myself very clear on that?" she asked them. Nobody said anything for a little while as everything was trying to let everything sink in as she took time to gather her thoughts as to how she wanted to do the timeline of her life, though she knew that Dean and John would have questions, even though John knew about the first part of her life Finally, after a while, she began to speak to them again with a softer tone. "I'll tell you everything, though I'm going to have to start at the beginning with where I came from and how I ended up knowing so much about the supernatural," she told them. "But before I do that, Dean, honey could you get mommy something cold to drink with lots of ice, please?" she asked and then turned to John and asked him to help her lean back against the headboard, so that she could rest, while she told them everything.

"Just give me a minute Dean," Lynda said as she sat back against the tub with her eyes closed. She knew that Dean was worried about her, but she knew she would be fine after a few minutes of resting. She kept her eyes closed for a few more minutes before opening them again and looking at both Dean and John. Nobody spoke as John went to get Lynda a cool washcloth for her head. After putting the cool washcloth over her eyes for a few minutes, she then moved it to her forehead, but still nobody said anything for a long time. John was now sitting on the tub while Lynda sat between John's legs, looking up at him with a shaky smile. Lynda took the towel that Dean handed her and she wiped her mouth, getting rid of any vomit that might have been there. Then she finally began to speak to the both of them and it was regarding Dean's question. "Yes, it was a nightmare, but it was an all too real nightmare," she told them, knowing they wouldn't understand. So, Lynda went onto explain to Dean and John just what she meant. "But the nightmare was actually a terrible memory that had to do with Lilith," she told him as she put the towel over her mouth to keep from vomiting again. Once she was sure she wasn't going to throw up, she began to speak again. "But the nightmare wasn't the reason why I was throwing up. I was throwing up because I'm pretty sure that I'm pregnant. But in answer to your other question Deany, yes, I'm very scared," she told him and John. "Something is coming and I'm afraid it has to do with Lilith, or at least partly," she added as she once more put the towel over her mouth. She closed her eyes once again and put her head back on John's knees as he was taking the cool washcloth and gently wiping over her forehead as she enjoyed the coolness. Once again, nobody said anything for a little bit as she let the coolness of the washcloth bring down her temperature. Finally, after letting out a sigh of relief and then hearing what Dean said about hating Lilith.

She finally sat her head up and looked deep into Dean's eyes as she began to speak to him. "Dean, sweetie, we don't hate anybody," she told her him softly and gently. "We can dislike someone, but we never hate. And that goes for Lilith too," she said. That was when John stepped in and told Dean to help him get her back into bed. Dean got up and John moved from behind Lynda and soon both of them had her on her feet again and gently walking towards the bed. Lynda sighed as she started to speak while they were very slowly walking. "Besides, there are a few things that I need to tell the both of you, and one of those things has to do with Lilith," she said as they reached the bed and sat her down on the edge of the bed. John then sat on one side of her as Dean sat on the other side. She was still shaking from the nightmare but seemed calmer after Dean and John sat down beside her. She put one hand on Dean's leg and the other on John's leg and let out a sigh as she knew it was time to tell them the truth. She let out a sigh and began to speak to them. "John, Dean," she started and then quickly went on before either one could interrupt and make her lose her nerve. "Like I said before the nightmare wasn't just a nightmare," she told them. "It was a memory of my trip to hell," she told him and then let her head drop for a few minutes before finally lifting it again and going on. "It was right after we brought Sam home from the hospital," she said as they sat there listening. "John, you had taken Dean out on his first hunt in celebration of him being a big brother," she added and then went on. "I was feeding Sam when I started to feel this heat that felt like I was sitting in the middle of a raging fire," she said and then went on. "It took me a few minutes to figure out that Sam and I were in actual hell and as I was trying to find a way home when Sam just up and disappeared," she said now feeling the tears stinging her eyes. "But I could always here my little Sammy crying, but I never could get to him," she said and then went quiet so that John and Dean could process what she had just told them before continuing with her story.

John noticed the way Dean was acting and he knew that something was going through Dean's head. It wasn't what Dean had said that had John worried, but what he wasn't saying, and he knew he had to find out what Dean was thinking. "Dean, son, care to share what's on your mind?" he asked. "I know I'm not as good as your mother is about comforting you boys or giving advice, but I would like a chance to try," he said as he sat at the table waiting for Dean to turn around and talk to him. Though he had an idea that Dean was thinking and worried about his mother, just like he was. Meanwhile, Lynda continued to sleep and let the beautiful memories of her, the children and John as a happy family. The smile on her face never left until an unwanted face popped into her head. But it was at that moment that memories turned from happy family ones into something demonic that she never told anybody, especially John. She began to roll around in bed and talk in her sleep, calling out the name Lilith and as Lilith kept appearing in Lynda's dreams, she continued to roll around and finally fell out of bed, which caused her to wake up, screaming a blook curdling scream.

Lynda kept screaming louder and louder as John and Dean rushed up the stairs, very worried and concerned. And when they got there, Lynda, who was on the floor, was now in the bathroom throwing up, not just because of the dream but because of the little bun she was carrying and didn't realize it at the time. When she was done, she sat back against the tub, for a little bit, aware that John and Dean were standing right there in the doorway. After letting her head fall back as if she was trying to keep herself from throwing up again. She turned and looked at John and Dean. She could see the worried look on their faces as she began to speak to them. "I'm okay my loves," she told them, even though she knew they weren't buying it. She went to say something else but the urge to throw up hit her and she leaned into the toilet and began to throw up again. By this time, Lynda was shivering as she was throwing up, which the shivering was caused by her fear of Lilith and what her dreams were trying to tell her.

Though she was walking up the stairs, she could hear everything Dean said, especially about the cherry pie. All she could do was shake her head and let out a little laugh as she made it up the stairs and started walking down the hall. She got about halfway through when she felt a little pain in her stomach and stopped for a few moments until it passed. Once it passed, Lynda finished walking down the hall and went straight into hers and John's room. Once she got into their bedroom, she walked over and laid down on the bed, and it wasn't long after that Lynda felt sleep coming over her and her eyes became very heavy. She hadn't realized just how tired she was until she felt sleep coming over her. It was 5 minutes after laying down that Lynda was soon asleep and in dreamland, which included 5-year-old Angel, 3-year-old Dean and newborn baby Sam. She had been dreaming of the week after Sam was born, that her, Dean and Angel all had a picnic in the park. 

Lynda had newborn baby Sam in the shoulder baby sling, which he slept through everything while he was in that thing. This left Lynda hands free to deal with Angel and Dean, who were just being normal boys and tormenting each other, but at least she had them outside. It was then that Lynda started to yell in her sleep, though she didn't mean to yell as loud as she did. "DEAN! ANGEL! IT'S TIME TO EAT!" she yelled as her voice carried all the way downstairs. It wasn't a mean yell, and it was full of love and warmth that only a mother's voice could bring. Anyway, as Lynda cuddled more into her bed and under the covers, the deeper in the dream she went. Back in the dream, Lynda laughed as the two little boys came running over to their mother and new baby brother. Lynda let out a sigh as she looked at her two dirty boys. "Look at you two," she said with a chuckle. "You both are dirty, dirty, dirty," she said shaking her head as she began fixing their plates. "I know two little boys that are going to get a bath tonight," she told them as she handed them their plates and their forks to eat with.

"That's small job of being a parent is all about," she said with a smile on her face. "Besides, it doesn't hurt to snoop every chance you get, which by the way, was so much easier when you boys were young," she said playfully and winked at Dean before getting off the couch and head towards hers and John's room. Lynda only stopped in front of Dean to finish her thoughts before going to lay down. "And what you say is very true, but if I don't pretend to that you boys are little, then I have to deal with the reality that I'll need a lot of bail money," she said playfully and then let out her usual mom laugh. She could see Dean soften up, which always made her heart melt.

"But seriously son, you are right and I know looking at you boys like that has helped me through some pretty rough times," she said with a smile as she touched Dean's face. "And I know thinking and looking at you boys now is going to help me get through this," she said as she moved onto Jamie. "I can't take all the credit, you, Angel and Sam all made sure to be around so that he didn't run in with the wrong crowds," she told him. "And I know right now he's at that awkward stage where everything is confusing and I know you boys will still be there for him," she added. "And of course I will do my part as the parent," she said with a little chuckle.

Lynda gave Dean a yeah right playful look as she removed her hand from Dean's face. Then she got ready to turn around and start for the stairs. She then stopped once more and didn't move for a few minutes. She looked as though she was lost in a thought or a memory or something. Then Lynda turned walked back over to Dean and wrapped him up in a tight, motherly hug as she began to whisper into his ear. "I love you too, my sweet Dean," she told him as she kissed his cheek. "Also, there is half of a cherry pie that I made a few days ago for a work party, if you want it," she said as she once more kissed Dean's cheek and then let him go and went upstairs to her bedroom and was soon laying down napping.