sam's Guestbook

Lynda just listened to the way that Sam was trying to make sense of what she just told him. She couldn't say anything at the moment, but she did nod yes as he was stumbling through repeating what she said about them being in hell. Lynda swallows a lump that was building in her throat. Finally, she was ready to talk and though her voice was cracked, it was still strong. "Yes Sam, I am well aware that a trip to hell isn't the same as a trip to Disneyland," she told him sounding a bit snarkier than she meant too. Then she went on speaking, trying to keep her emotions in check as she took a couple of deep breaths to calm down a bit. "Yes Sammy, hell is real and the nightmares you dream were real too," she told him. "But that doesn't mean you are broken or anything other than my son, who yes has a few of my issues, but other than that is a perfectly healthy man," she told him very honestly. She paused for a few minutes to let him accuse her of not only knowing but of trying to cover it up, or at least that's the way it was coming across to her anyway. After taking a couple of deep breaths, Lynda finally went on speaking to her son. "Yes, I knew you seeing Hell in your dreams. Yes I knew you were seeing the yellow-eyed demon," she said and then went on. "But Sammy, you were 3 when those dreams started and it wasn't something I could just sit you down and talk to you about it," she told him honestly. "So, yes, I gave you ice cream and we would watch an episode of Sesame Street, in which you would usually fall asleep before it was over and I would carry you up to bed, where you would sleep soundly the rest of the night. I should know because I would be right there in your room the entire time," she told him and then paused again as she felt the tears starting to sting her face.

And at this point, she really didn't care if they fell or not. She knew she just had to get Sammy to settle down. "Baby, there wasn't a night that I wasn't sleeping next to your bed, in the floor, making sure you were okay," she told him. "You would even lay on the floor with me some nights," she said as she was watching Sam just walking back in forth in place trying to wrap his head around what she was telling him. She knew he was very upset and she really couldn't blame him, but she also needed him to understand that she did the best she could. She then got up from the couch and went over to where Sam finally stopped pacing. She put his hands on his arms and finally turned him around so that they were looking deep into each other's eyes. Lynda then went on speaking. "Sammy, your father and brother love you very much. They don't look at you in any other way but as a son and a brother," she told him. "And right now, I don't have all the answers that you need, but what I do know is this," she told him and then paused for a few minutes and then went on. "You are my son, and I love you very much. And there is nothing inside of you that I didn't give you those nine months that you were inside me," Lynda said as she finally reached up and touched his face. "So if there is anything inside of you that should be there, then it's I who gave it to you," she said as the tears were now steadily streaming down her face. She paused for a few minutes as her hands stayed on his face. They were both still looking deep into each other's eyes. Lynda then went on speaking to him. "I don't know where you went and I don't know what the demon did to you, if anything," she told him. "But what I do know is that I love you and I don't care what you think you are or are not," she said. "To me, you will always be my smart, intellectual and sweet Sammy," she added.

Then Lynda paused as she finally let go of Sam's face and turned away from him as she went to sit back down on the couch. She didn't say anything for a long while as she tried to gather her thoughts. Finally, Lynda began to speak to him softly and gentle. "I know I should have told you a long time ago," she said. "In fact, there's a lot of things that I should have told you, but I didn't because I believed I was protecting you and your brothers from things that I hoped would go away and let you boys have a normal life, but apparently that didn't happen," she told him as she let out a sigh as she went on speaking. "And what you do with it now is process it and then learn from it and let yourself grow and become an even better person than you right now," she told him. "And you don't let it change you in anyway. And don't let it define you either. You are so much more than anything that demon could do to you or OCD or anything else," she told him as she looked up at Sam. "You are so much more than just whatever that yellow-eyed demon may or may not have done," she told him. "And I'm not just saying that because I'm your mother. I'm living proof of it," she told him as she paused and that's when she realized she needed to tell Sam the whole truth and not just the part about what happened to him. Lynda wiped her face as she composed herself once again. Then she went on speaking to him. "Trust me, I want to tell you everything, including all of your siblings and who they are and where they are," she told him still not looking at him as she once again gathered her composer, After a few minutes, Lynda got up from the couch and finally turned to look at Sam. "I'm going to tell you everything Sammy, but before I do, there are a couple of things you need to know," she told him. "First, I'm going to make me some hot tea since my stomach is upset and I'm feeling very nauseous," she told him. "And secondly, everything started when I was a child, so that's where the story will start," she added as she turned and started for the kitchen.

Lynda could see the look on Sam's face. She knew her son well enough to know that he wasn't mad, at least not at the moment, but more shocked with a mix of surprised and topped with confusion about what to say and do next. Lynda nodded first and then began to speak to him. "Yes, I was and it's something I will never forget," she told him. "And the smell," she added as she shuttered but didn't go on with her thought. Instead, she went on to reply to everything that Sam had told her. "For a brief time, yes, we were in hell alone together," she told as she watched him trying to piece everything together while she went on speaking. "Like I said, your dad was on a hunt with Dean, to celebrate him being a big brother. And by the time they came home, the whole thing was over, and we were back home like nothing ever happened," she added. She could see Sam starting to get very upset, even seeing some rage building in his eyes, which she knew he had every right to feel the way he did. Lynda didn't say anything for a few minutes and then started to reply again to everything that Sam was asking or rather not asking but just saying to her. "Yes Lucifer," was all she could say, now having a bit of shame and disappointment in her voice. "And yes, you disappeared," she told him as she then went on explaining. "You started to cry and I looked down for a few minutes got you calmed down," she told him. "I went to give you a soft kiss on the forehead, but you weren't there," she told him. "You were just gone and I went to look for you and soon found myself strapped to a table with my feet in stirrups," she repeated from when she told him earlier. She still had that shame in her voice but there were also sadness and regret in her voice as well, especially when Sam started to talk about the nightmares, he had as a child. She closed her eyes for a few minutes and remembered all those nights she stayed up with Sam, calming his fears and making him feel safe and loved as he slept peacefully for the rest of the night. Lynda didn't say anything for a few minutes as she let herself feel the hurt that she knew she caused her son. Lynda let out a sad and heavy sigh and then began to speak about those dreams.

"Yes, I remember," she said with a small smile on her face. "I was always there every time you had one," she told him now trying to produce a smile. "I remember you would have a nightmare and would come running to me to protect you. And after I got you calmed down, we would sneak downstairs and have a bowl of ice cream before I put you back to bed," she added as the tears now slipped down as she got serious and went on speaking to him. "They weren't just nightmares, but bad memories of things that you shouldn't remember but somehow do," she told him honestly. "I still have them myself and that's a major part of my OCD because I feel like I'm responsible for all the evilness that has fallen on this family," she added as now guilt was coming out in her voice. She didn't answer Sam right away as she looked back down at her hands with her tear-stained eyes and realized she was shaking again, but she knew she had to keep going and answer every question or comment that Sam had. Lynda took a deep breath and then finally looked up at Sam, who she hadn't been looking at until this very moment. "That's right, though I do remember before Lucifer did his job inside of me, I was granted a brief glance at you, which you were in the arms of a yellow-eyed demon, but you were still crying so loudly and it broke my heart," she told him. "After that brief glance, I don't remember much except for Lucifer being on top of me and doing his things and a little while later, Lilith came," she told him as she looked back down at the floor again. She couldn't even look at Sam anymore because of the guilt and shame. So, when he made sure that he heard the entire story right, Lynda only nodded as she began to let out soft sobs and did not care that she was now crying while her hands began to shake even more, though she fought the temptation to get up and go wash them. Lynda swallowed hard and then looked up at Sam one more time with her tear-filled eyes and began to speak to him. "Sammy, there is nothing wrong with you. You are my perfect son regardless of what happened to us. Yes, we went through something horrible together but that doesn't change who you are. And you are my handsome and smart son who is better than what any demon could ever do to you," she said and then lowered her head as she continued to cry while speaking to her son.

"Sammy, I have a lot of regrets about a lot of things that I have done and kept hidden, including siblings that you didn't know you even had," she added knowing that was only adding fuel to an already hot fire. "And if I could do my life over again, I would change so many things, including letting my family in more on what was going on, but I never meant to hurt any of you," she added as she stood up and then looked Sam in the eyes as she finished answering the rest of Sam's questions and comments. Her face was red and wet with tears. "I went through this alone because I didn't want anyone else to get hurt, and believe me, I saw what would have happened to my family if I didn't let Lucifer have his way," she said softly as she turned away from Sam and walked slowly over to the window she could look out at the outside world. She didn't answer Sam for a long time. She honestly didn't know why she didn't tell Sam, other than the fact that she was too ashamed and embarrassed. After about ten or so minutes of not saying or even looking at Sam, Lynda finally turned and gave him the answer that she knew wasn't the one he wanted, though at the point, she really didn't know what she could say, that would make this whole thing easier for him to understand. "I didn't tell anyone because I was ashamed," she told him honestly. "I mean it's not something that I just go around talking about," she told him sounding even more tired than before as she paused for a few seconds and then she went on speaking. "But I mostly didn't say anything because I didn't want anyone else to go through what I went through or end up in the shape I'm in right now," she told Sam honestly as she held up her burnt and wrapped hands. "I wanted my family to be happy and healthy," she told him as she turned and headed to the bathroom that was in hers and John's bedroom. She didn't say anything more as she walked up to the sink and turned on the hot water and just stood there looking at herself in the mirror as she waited for the hot water to get extremely hot.

Lynda couldn't help but smile as she first took the box back from Sam and pressed it to her. Then she went over and sat back down on the couch, just like Sam wanted her to. She never could tell Sammy no on anything, even if it wasn't fair to the other boys. As she sat down with the index box, now resting on her lap, she began to speak to Sam. "I did rest for a while Sammy, and I will let you boys help with dinner, but I just want to help as well," she told him. "And I was dreaming of happy family memories of when you boys were little, before things got complicated and before she came into my life," she told Sam, not realizing that she had let something that she was hiding slip out and it had to do with Lilith. Lynda went quiet for a moment after she realized what she had said. She knew she had to tell Sam the truth, at least some of it. She knew she would eventually tell him everything, but right now, she just wanted to take it one past memory at a time, even though she was really scared to tell him. "Sam, I promised you that I tell you everything that I went through growing up, and I will keep my promise," she told Sam as she looked down at the index box and then back up at him.

"And what I'm about tell you is something that even your father doesn't know," she said as she went quiet again. She was trying to figure out how she was going to break this to Sam without him getting upset and yelling. "Sam, after you were born, something happened," she said as she felt her hands starting to shake. "We had just brought you home and got you settled, Angel was at his father's at the time and Dean, well he wanted to go on a hunt. And just like John promised, once we were settled, he took Dean out on a hunt. This left you and I at home alone," she told him and then paused before going on. "Then one night, as I was feeding you and then suddenly it got hot as if we were in the middle of a fire. And I guess technically we were since we were in actual hell," she told him as she looked away and then back at him. "Anyway, as I was trying to figure out a way back home, you disappeared. It was like one minute you were in my arms feeding and the next you were just gone, but I could hear you crying," she said as the tears starting to sting her eyes. "I tried my best to find you but found myself restrained on this operating table, with my legs in stirups. It was like I was giving birth all over again, only at the moment there was no baby," she said as she went on as her voice started to crack. She could no longer hide the tears and so she just let them flow as she went on with her story. 

"Finally, Lucifer came in and he was holding a piece of paper. It was a contract that my father had signed long ago, before your father's alter-ego, Negan, killed him, that after the birth of my third child, that my body was to be given to him so that he may sire a child, boy or girl, it didn't matter he just wanted a child," she told him and then another pause as she tried to get her shaking hands under control. Lynda then took a deep breath and let it out and then went on. "We spent nine months in hell, though on earth it was more like five or ten minutes. It wasn't long enough for your father and Dean to notice that we were gone," she added and then went on. "And I still had no idea where you were, but you were taken well care off because I could hear your cooing and other little baby noises," she said trying to smile. "Anyway, in that nine months we were in hell, I ended up giving birth to a baby girl, which Lucifer named Lilith," she added. "And once Lilith was born, you and I returned home, in the same time period as when we left. It was like nothing ever happened. And I never did tell you father about Lilith. But now I'm starting to dream about her and they aren't happy ones," she told him.

Lynda slept for a couple of hours before she woke up. As she sat up in her bed, she looked over and saw that Sam was sleeping soundly and peacefully. She couldn't help but smile as she watched him for a little while. Lynda started to get up when she felt a sharp little pain in her stomach as well as a little dizziness. So, she sat on the edge of the couch for a little while, until the pain and dizziness passed. Once both had passed, Lynda got up from the couch and took the blanket and placed it over Sam and then leaned down and kissed the top of his head softly and gently, being careful not to wake him. "Sleep tight, my little Sammy," she whispered as she then walked into the kitchen. She only stopped momentarily to look back at Sam, which as she saw him sleeping, a soft and warm smile that only a mother could produce. Then Lynda went into the kitchen and fixed herself a glass of ginger ale.

Once she had that fixed, she took a couple of drinks of it before she sat it down on the table. Once her soda was on the table, Lynda then went over to her pantry closet and opened it. She turned on the light and turned to make sure that nobody was behind her, and then she reached over and took a couple of panels down from the wall, exposing a bunch of cookbooks as well as a small tin box just big enough to hold several index cards. Lynda picked up the tin box and placed it on a shelf while she replaced the panels back into their rightful place. Once that was done, Lynda picked up the tin box and after turning the light off, she walked out of the pantry closet and closed the door behind her. She took the tin box and went over to the table and opened it. Lynda then began going through the index cards that were inside, trying to find the recipes that she would need for later that night. And even though she knew her hands were wrapped and still hurting her, she was bound to make her family the best dinner ever had.

Lynda yawned a little bit as she went onto answer Sam's thoughts. "All of my boys did well with their metabolism," she told Sam in a soft voice. "That's one of the things that you all got from me," she added as she couldn't help but smile through sleepy eyes, which was getting glassier by the minute. She knew she wasn't going to be able to stay up for very much longer. Lynda smiled even bigger when she felt him squeeze her hand gently, to which she couldn't help but squeeze Sam's hand back. Then Lynda closed her eyes for a few minutes so that she could gather her thoughts. Once she had them together, or at least as together as best she could, she opened her eyes, which were even more glassy than before, she began to speak to Sam again.

"I'm glad to see you boys grown up to good men," she told him as she gave his hand another little squeeze as she was getting sleepier. "And I know that you older boys will make sure that your little brother will grow up the same way. Besides, I loved you boys from the moment that each of you were born," she added. "And I knew from the time I held each of you in my arms that each of you boys were going to grow up and be something special. Though Jamie is still finding his way, I just know he'll be something special," she said as she let out a sleepy sigh and she closed her eyes for a few minutes. It was as if Lynda had fallen asleep, but she quickly woke up as she went on to finish her thoughts.

"Nothing's wrong with you, my sweet Sammy," she told him fighting to stay awake but losing the battle. "In fact, there is nothing wrong with any of my boys. Each of you boys has your own personalities and talents," she told him. "Dean takes after your dad, rough on the outside and yet on the inside just as sensitive as a lamb," she told Sam. "And you just happen to take after me, hard-working and able to figure things out, but also have to have things a certain way or all hell breaks out," she said with a chuckle and her eyes closed. And just as Sam adjusted the blanket around Lynda while telling her he wasn't going anywhere, Lynda was already asleep with one final though coming out of her mouth. "I love you my dear sweet Sammy," she told him as she let out a sigh and let sleep overtake her.